It became clear in mid-March that my birthday plans for the end of the month had to be canceled. After a quick self-pity session my focus shifted from what I’d be losing (happy hour with my friends at my favorite dim sum spot, a haircut with my favorite stylist, a massage) to what I could control about the day. After all, my birthday may have been marred by the coronavirus shutdown, but with the great pain being experienced by the world, now also felt like a great time to celebrate life.
In order to feel a sense of normalcy, two things were most important to me: baking my own birthday cake and arranging a video call with my family. I instructed relatives to supply their own cakes so we could all blow out candles together over Zoom.
I even took a picture of our family chat!
Although I was nervous I’d feel lonely and sad on my birthday, by the end of the day, my heart was full. The day still felt special, somehow more so. Friends who would normally text me well wishes took the extra step to video chat. Seeing their faces and hearing their voices was the best gift I received.
Whether you’re the one blowing out candles, or you’re the one trying to make your house feel festive for someone else’s birthday, here’s how to give the day meaning when we’re all limiting contact.
If it’s your birthday
Accept your feelings about the situation.
“Peace comes when we realize what our circumstances are and can then ask, ‘Given this time, what feels best to me?’” said Shasta Nelson, a friendship expert and the author of “Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness.” “There is no wrong answer.”
If you want to book virtual happy hours, go for it. If you want to do a more scaled-down celebration, that’s fine, too. Do what feels best for you.
Be mindful of the way you speak about the situation.
Instead of grumbling about how you have to be stuck at home, reframe the thought: You’re choosing to stay home and be healthy, said Mary Foston-English, a licensed marriage and family therapist. While you’re at it, also nix the phrase “have to,” as it “encourages us to feel helpless and hopeless and limits our options to think more openly and feel better,” she added.
Organize a virtual party if you feel like it.
For her birthday on March 31, Sarah Solomon made the best of the circumstances as she was sheltering in place. Ms. Solomon, the author of “Guac Is Extra but So Am I: The Reluctant Adult’s Handbook,” invited about 20 friends via text message to her virtual birthday party, a group video chat hosted on Zoom. She made sure that everyone on the list was already acquainted so that “it wouldn’t be even more awkward than a video conferencing party already is.”
To make your virtual party fun for everyone in attendance, consider asking guests to prepare something to do or eat as a group. For her party, Ms. Solomon encouraged participants to dress up in black-tie-optional clothing. “Drinking dirty martinis alone in a ball gown isn’t totally out of the norm for me,” she said, “but it was nice to make it a group effort.”
Pick something simple: wine and cheese, pizza, cupcakes or champagne. Just make sure whatever you come up with will be fairly easy to secure with advance notice, or, better yet, is already in everyone’s home. It’s also important to give the party some structure. Consider giving prompts to guests so the conversation will flow. For example, ask them to recount a happy or silly memory of you. Perhaps guests can share a positive intention they have for the year. Decide on an end time for the party in advance so people don’t have to awkwardly log off.
When it comes to gifts, be upfront.
When relatives asked what I wanted for my birthday, I encouraged them to email me gift cards for my favorite beauty brands and local restaurants. Letting people know what kinds of gifts I’d appreciate gave my inner circle direction and flexibility. You can also direct people to contribute to a charity of your choice or forgo gifts altogether.
Have self-compassion.
Go easy on yourself if your emotions are all over the place. It’s a scary, uncertain time. It’s understandable if you feel overwhelmed. “Treat yourself kindly by focusing on what you are grateful for, trying to keep your mind in the present moment, or even simply taking a break from your self-judgment, for example,” said Dr. Jena Lee, a child and adult psychiatrist and a clinical instructor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at the University of California, Los Angeles.
Ask for help.
If you’re in a lingering funk or experiencing excessive sadness or disappointment about your birthday, consult a mental health professional. “Prioritizing mental and relational wellness is crucial right now,” said Melody Li, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Inclusive Therapists, a social justice-oriented therapist community. “If you’ve been considering starting therapy, now can be a good time to start and receive support.”
If you’re celebrating other people’s birthdays
Validate their feelings if they’re processing grief.
Let them know their strong feelings are justified. Dr. Lee suggests saying: “This is so frustrating that you can’t celebrate your birthday despite all of your planning. This celebration is so important to you and your friends. That would be pretty hard for me, too.”
Once we’ve mirrored their disappointment, then we can see if they want help brainstorming other options, Ms. Nelson said.
Give the other people permission to choose how to celebrate.
“One of the best gifts we can give to those in our lives is permission to do whatever feels best to them this year without guilt,” Ms. Nelson said. “They don’t have to do more than they have energy to do, and neither do they have to downplay it just because others are grieving.”
Plan ahead to coordinate surprises.
Give yourself plenty of time to book services and have packages shipped. Ms. Solomon was delighted when a dear friend gave her a fancy bottle of champagne through Drizly, an online liquor store. “I promised her that we’d pop and drink it together after New York City is in the clear,” she said. My husband sent me personalized video messages from my favorite reality show celebrities through Cameo. It definitely lifted my spirits!
Get creative.
If you’re celebrating a child’s birthday during this lockdown, don’t be afraid to get a little silly. “Have a dance party at home, create a treasure hunt or a baking show that can be shared by video to family,” Dr. Lee said. Whatever you choose to do, as long as you approach the day with a positive attitude, it will help children make lasting memories.
Sometimes the best gift is sending a heartfelt message of appreciation to someone you love. Expressing that you care can be an unforgettable gift, Dr. Lee said.
Ms. Nelson said we should think about something we can do to make our friends feel seen and loved. That could mean organizing a group effort online or reaching out to connect one to one. Just be authentic to what feels right for your relationship.