For as long as I can remember I recall my mother telling people, “she’s just in one of her funks again”. Even when I was seeing a therapist at the age of 10, I had no understanding of my emotional state. It was not until I was well into my teens that I realized I had depression. Looking back, the signs were all there and it was pretty cut and dry. I think my mother may have wanted to believe I would spontaneously get better if we simply focused on good things and ignored the real emotions. I don’t blame my mother for this, any loving parent wants to see their child happy and well. Even if only on the outside.
I understand now, the importance of feeling every emotion and not bottling things up. While I struggle with it from time to time, I am a little better everyday. The following are some things my journey with depression has taught me. Some warning signs and some of the do’s and do not’s for helping someone with depression.
Depression looks different for different people. Here are some (not all) signs that someone you care about may be experiencing depression:
- Cognitive distortions
- Isolation
- Problematic Sleep
- Exhaustion
- Changes in appetite
- Loss of interest in activities that once brought joy
- Substance use
- Self-Harm (requires immediate intervention)
- Suicidal Ideation (requires immediate intervention)
If you happen to recognize these warning signs in someone the best thing you can do for them is to talk with them. Lend an ear, hold space for them, and just let them know you care. Empathy, not sympathy, is an incredible gift to give someone. Open communication can help the person understand it is not their fault and they are not alone. Depression isolates and makes you feel very, very alone. Understand that it is not your job to fix the individual. Offer your support and gently suggest speaking to someone qualified to help them further. Educating the person (if they do not already know) about depression and mental wellness can be extremely beneficial. Most of all, kindness.
Now that we have covered some things to do when helping someone with depression, let’s flip it. Here are some things to NEVER do:
- Never tell a person to “get over it”. Trust me, if it were as easy as flipping a light switch, we would flip the damn switch!
- Don’t tell someone about that time you were sad when you lost your job or when your goldfish died. This is not a competition. You feeling sad does not compare to the hopelessness, worthlessness, and persistent sadness associated with depression. Zip it.
- Skip reminding someone how grateful they should be for the things they have because so and so has it so much worse. Again, this is not a competition and now I feel guilty for being depressed. Thanks!
- Throw duct tape over our mouth before you say anything resembling, “You have to make the choice to be happy”. Yes, perhaps I can make that choice when my brain is not in this depressed state and over producing cortisol, sending the body into alarm mode. Go ahead and tell my hippocampus, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex to choose said happiness while there is an emergency alert being sent to every system in the body.
- Don’t you dare tell someone with depression to, “toughen up”. People living with depression make a regular decision to choose life when it feels like there is nothing worth living for. Individuals experiencing depression are stronger than any other person I know. There are battles being fought daily.
- Please don’t think you know what is best for the person with depression. Offer support, hold space, and gently suggest means for help. I hate more than anything when someone tries to fix me.
The thing that has helped me the most through my depression has been owning my story and sharing it. It is not my fault that I have depression, it is my responsibility to take care of myself. When I am not capable of caring for myself, I have my tribe. I am grateful to have people in my life that love me through the light and dark times. These angels know how to respond to me and help me by standing by me in support. When I reach for their hand in the darkness, I am able to begin to see the light again.
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